Castiel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
theroadpaved) wrote2026-01-28 12:10 pm
theroadpaved) wrote2026-01-28 12:10 pm
Diary
Castiel keeps a diary on his datapad's notetaking application. This will change to a real physical book as soon as he has access to one. Two comment threads below with denote whether the entry is on his Datapad or his Journal. Neither will be particularly well-guarded; any entries deleted/removed will be notated appropriately.
Datapad
Day 30
Following the introduction of the concept, I've determined that keeping a 'diary' offers only to be beneficial. Until my grace is fully restored and my memory isn't subject to lapse, recording my thoughts and considerations is the best course of action.
Dean said not to treat it like a diary, because they're for teen girls. But Dean's outlook on social customs is woefully short-sighted, so there isn't a need to pay that particular opinion any mind. He has too many assumptions about what is or isn't "allowed."
The mechanical woman who suggested this to me, Elster, noted it can be used for personality stabilization. Considering my past struggles with it, it wouldn't be remiss of me to keep an eye on it. The madness has more or less subsided; reorganization of scarring took place largely in Purgatory. My grace had already begun the work in the mortal plane prior to our defeat of Dick Roman. There's likely not much left of the assumed trauma, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. Even with the new vessel maintenance diverting my attention, I have the time to spare. Especially when excreting solid waste. It seems to take forever.
I've met many people since my arrival. It's still uncommon; any relationships I've had on Earth were fleeting at best, and under assumption of deceit most commonly. It's the nature of hunting, but also of being an angel. I can't go to Heaven and I can't live amongst most humans. What else is there to do but watch? It's almost nostalgic. Watching is much of what I did before the turn of the century. Being able to do so up close is an interesting new experience.
Walking between raindrops. I came across the saying shortly before my arrival here. Based on the Jewish folk tale, but recently popularized again. I heard the residents of the nursing home using it, and it left an impression on me. Doing the impossible to stay dry. Finding peace in the serenity of a storm. It's a nice thought.
A humanoid fox-man named Jiaoqiu is assisting me with learning how to use the medical equipment aboard this vessel. It seems very important to people that I know what I'm doing with it, though I'm unsure as to why that is. Anybody can pick up the equipment and issue medical aid; why is it necessary to have someone designated to do so?
I've nothing more to discuss at this time. More entries will be added as necessary.
The pull remains.
Day 55
I did receive back some of the connection to my grace, after a discussion with one of the Hosts. They wanted 'credits,' which I had no memory of acquiring. I don't understand by what power they can return it to me, but the meaning of the transaction is clear: my body will need to be earned back with obedience.
The constant hunger and accompanying maladies worry Dean. I wish I could travel apart from him to spare him the concern, but I'm sure that would just make it worse. He hovers and he tries to feed me, even though it would just be a waste. It's been nearly two months now with no sign of Sam. Either Sam is safe back on Earth, or he wasn't 'rescued' as fortuitously as we were. I haven't brought up the second option to Dean. He might not have considered it yet, and I don't want to give him yet another thing to worry over.
Song = conscious entity ?
I had to put down this 'datapad' since the nausea occasionally makes me vomit. Or retch, at any rate. Vomiting would occur if there was anything in my stomach TO vomit. My vessel's stomach. I'm getting very used to it. This happened before.
It's difficult to keep thoughts in my head when I'm in this state. Dean's presence helps though I hate to see him fret. I don't think I'll die from this. It's fine if this is permanent. As my grace recovers I'll be less affected. I just have to endure.
The pull is still there. Noticeably stronger.
Day 60
😡
Journal